Saying that I trust God is easy when I can predict the outcome. Trusting God is easy when I have seen Him come through in this area before. Trusting God is easy when I have nothing to lose. But trusting God when I might look foolish, simple, or naive…NO THANKS. For the last seven years for sure, and probably for my whole life, I have refused to risk looking foolish even if God was the one asking me to do it. You see for ten long years, my family has been altered and afflicted with the disorder known as autism. When my daughter Alicia was two and a half, she was diagnosed with autism and a year later epilepsy. These diagnoses devastated me and made me very confused. Autism broke my heart because I love my daughter, and I felt my hopes and dreams for her were dashed upon the rocks. It was in those early years of her diagnoses though that I grew in leaps and bounds spiritually. I learned to trust God and depend on His strength and direction. I learned to be less selfish and to trust that God works all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Then as the years passed, I became discouraged and often took matters into my own hands. I went through many stages of grief and acceptance. I often took matters into my own hands and tried to be her savior. I stumbled through this strange world of autism, thinking I am going to be the one to heal my daughter. She will be the exception to every rule, I often told myself. I read every article, book, and ad about autism I could find and tried even the craziest of therapies. I watched video after video and tried therapy after therapy, only to feel more discouraged and disappointed. Then in my desperation I cried out to God, why have you forsaken me? Why don’t you love me, and why are you punishing my child for my obvious sins? It was in those moments, that God spoke to my heart. Tami, I haven’t forsaken you or Alicia; instead, I have been and will continue to be in these difficult moments with you both. I will heal her, and through her the world will see my glory! No one will be confused! No one will think you have healed her. No doctor will get the glory either. Instead, you and the whole world will know that I created her to display my glory. I have a plan, so please just trust me!
That talk with God was almost 7 years ago, and still I doubt the promise God made to me. I question myself, “Did God really make that promise to me, or was it just wishful thinking? Maybe He meant He would heal her in heaven, and I in my ignorance assumed it would be in this lifetime.” Over and over again I have gone over and over these thoughts and this promise in my mind. I have begged God to correct me if I am imagining things, or if I have placed words in His mouth, and again and again He has reassured me that He made me a promise.
So where do I go from here? Do I sit and pout because I haven’t seen it happen? I have been there and done that. Do I keep this promise a secret and wish it was true? I have done that too. Or do I boldly proclaim His promise to me and risk sounding like the crazy Christian who blindly trusts in an invisible God? Well, guess what God has asked me to do? That’s right I am going to risk being the fool. I am going to risk looking like the crazy woman who blindly trusts God! I am going to be like Abraham and walk up Mt. Moriah with no lamb, and I am going to sacrifice my pride for the sake of obedience. I am going to trust like David, that my God can do the impossible, if I stand before the giant. I am going to hope like Moses that God will part the waters and allow Alicia to walk safely through the Red Sea of Autism to the promise land. I am going to proclaim that God made me a promise, and even if I am 80 year old when He fulfills it, I will stand firmly on the faith that my God is the God of impossible dreams. I will no longer be silent, and I will stop doubting His plans are for my good. I am going to rest in His promise and trust that He will heal my child.
As the month of April, Autism Awareness Month, approaches, I beg you to pray with me for Alicia and other kids like Alicia who are diagnosed with autism. Pray that God’s healing power would heal them, and His name will be glorified. Risk looking crazy, for the sake of Christ, that He may be glorified!!!! Yes, I am crazy for Jesus, even if I look like a fool to you.